people who are full of hate and negativity r exhausting to be around wtf go play with a dog
Wanting to be with her is like when you’re teacher tells the class to pick partners for an assignment and you know exactly who you want to be with -and you hope they want to be with you too. Some of your other classmates would be fine to work with but you hold your breath and look over at that person and hope so much that you make eye contact with them.
If they return your glance a wave of relief washes over you. If they aren’t looking your way you casually look around to see who might be hoping to partner with you and consider the options. Maybe you overlooked someone and they might make the best partner- maybe not.
Wanting to be with her is like that. She’s my first pick. I look at the pros and cons and at the end of the day it’s one of those things where the list doesn’t matter. I’d pick her. It sucks that she’s emotionally constricted. It sucks that she’s probably going to be closeted for years. It sucks that she will go without sleeping and eating for days before finals. I mean… She’s dedicated to succeeding but I feel that her well being is easily disregarded and that when things get tough she doesn’t take care of herself. Eating one meal a day, sleeping 2 hours and not showering for 3 days is common when school gets crammed.
It’s like… I know these things but I realize that at the end of the day I’m looking for a reason to move on but I can’t help that she’s the one I want to be partners with.
It’s not about the logistics. It’s about the fact that when I see her at 2 am in the rez basement and she’s wearing a beanie because she hasn’t showered in days and she’s grumpy because she’s tired and feeling like giving up- I still want to be with her. It’s hard to put into words but she is such a good person. I can say that again. She’s such a good person. There are so many things that would make me proud to be with her. When my friends talk about her when she’s not around and they say really nice things I can’t help but blush as if they’re saying them about me.
When I think about being with someone I realize that they are a representation of you. I recognize that she’s someone I would like to be represented by. No matter what were to happen she has such a concentrated character. Thick with good qualities. In no way is she mild. She’s consistently good.
This makes me think of the quote by Maya Angelou. Without courage you cannot practice any other virtuous trait consistently. This must make her courageous.
This summer I met a girl I thought I could really get on with- and I did. But when I look at her I don’t feel the ‘this is something special’ feeling. It’s so strange but I look at her best friend and some of the other girls in our group and I can feel their eyes linger on me. I can tell that they’re considering me. She doesn’t. I have mixed feelings about that. But I don’t want to dwell on it because I don’t feel any emotional interest in being with her. I think she’s pretty and interesting and I get nervous before we meet to spend time together. But those feelings aren’t serious… I don’t think I want to be with her.
In part I know this because when life has an oddly teacher like voice and its calling out ‘get into groups of two to complete this assignment’ I can’t help but look over my shoulder to see of the person I’m hoping to be with is returning my glance- and that person I’m hoping for isn’t her. She’s one of those other potentially good partners but she’s not my instinct.
It’s now early in the morning and I’m still giving this so much thought. I’ll be back at school in a month and in 5 or 6 weeks I’ll probably be seeing Shir again. I feel very concerned about this. I feel like I’d like to avoid her. It’s one of those situations where you just don’t want to have to deal with feelings and I know feelings will be unavoidable.
I haven’t seen her face to face or spoken to her in the past month and I feel like I can look at this situation from an outside perspective. I look at her pictures and think about all of our conversations and how she asks with people- how she acts with me. She’s more serious around me- I don’t even know how to have fun around her because I feel so uptight. But there’s some kind of acceptance I feel from her. It’s like in some way.. Just in the way things are I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder saying ‘its okay. You don’t have to be anyone other than who you are.’ Sometimes I’m really disconnected and nervous and she doesn’t need me to apologize. She doesn’t like me less. I feel self conscious but I shouldn’t. I don’t need to. Because of our history there are times I feel like she doesn’t really want to be friends with me but I know that’s not true. It’s a lie. She might have avoided me but she trusts me, she cares about me, she likes me, she respects me, she wants to be an encouragement in my life, she confides in me… But she also feels a little exposed at times. She also feels a little overwhelmed at times. She also feels like she needs time to walk the path she’s on alone and at her own pace. So I shouldn’t feel like her actions are a reflection of how she feels about me or even a reflection of who I am. At times I don’t even know how to be friends with her- especially not in a group. I don’t know how to mix my worlds together. Alone with her things feel right. They make sense. I feel comfortable. But out in the world I feel uncomfortable. Awkward. Sensitive. Observed.
I think some confidence would help. I think some comfort would help.
Next year will be better. I feel like next year is promising.
She’s still probably going to be figuring herself out. She may not want anything to do with a romantic relationship. But she will want to be friends.
I think that I feel that intimacy is a sure sign of interest but sometimes people are deprived of intimacy and its only natural for them to open up. That’s what I’m good at. Well… Usually. I need to open up more to my school friends. But anyway..
There are so many good moments to look back on. Our whole history. I remember the first time I heard her voice. Our first conversation. She recognized me… She had seen me sitting in the dining hall late one evening. I had no memory of her before that moment when she came in late and I heard her speak. Even before knowing her or even seeing her, her voice felt significant to me. It just stood out.
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how she is… Sometimes she’s really pushed me away but I wonder if under all of this stuff if she needs someone. When I think about it it makes me sad. I’m one of the only people she’s opened up to about some personal things. By no means am I even close to competing with her best friend but the truth is that there are a lot of very personal things she chooses to tell me. That means something.
When things get tough she allows herself to let me in at times when she doesn’t let other people in. So I don’t know what the point of this is and I need to sleep now because I’m running out of nighttime hours. But there’s something here. The future is a scary place. But I trust that good will come out of everything and I’ll grow with all experiences.
I’m contemplating whether or not I should be totally disturbed by the fact that my step mom and her boyfriend are obviously having sex right across from my room when they know that my door is open and I’m awake.
Is that weird? Shouldn’t they be more considerate of the fact that I’m awake and nearby…
I don’t know how I feel about this- because I get that people have sex and they’re in their own house and should be free to do what ever. And I don’t think that I should be offended by such a thing. Regardless- they’ve been alone together for 4 nights this past week and this is the only night of the week that all three of us have been home together. So I just think that there are more appropriate times.