I was just creeping through pictures of a resident. She’s the MOST ADORABLE girl evvvver! and I creeped her girlfriend (who I recognized from my old okcupid account… I thought she was so pretty and sweet.. now she’s dating my resident. Weird.) Anyhow I started thinking that this girl is SO adorable it’s no wonder she has such a pretty girlfriend. I guess I started to feel a little insecure because I was comparing myself to them. Then I looked through my pictures and I realized that I’m really adorable too. It’s weird to think about yourself in 3rd person but I tried. And I found that all of the things that attracts me to girls can be found in me too. I’m so adorable and I’ve thought this before but not in the same way- I’d date me. I start to feel insecure and the whole confusion with Shir can sometimes feed into that. But this time I was like “this thing with Shir is her problem. The only problem that I have is that I still like her. There’s nothing wrong or unattractive or repulsive about me.”
I guess I just start to think “who will I meet… My school is small and the first years feel like my little sisters. Who then will I meet? Shir’s THE ONE but she’s so not the one. I feel like a relationship would be solo worth trying with her but I know that she’s not ready and maybe it will take a long ass time for her to be. This isn’t on me. She’s not perfect and it’s so dangerous for me to get caught up in how great I think she is. She has flaws and some of them would be difficult to deal with if having a relationship with her was even a possibility.
I guess right in this moment I feel good. I feel like I’m okay with me. The last little while has been overwhelming in a really different way. Being an RA is a lot like being a camp councillor for the whole school year. Emotionally taxing. I love these girls so much and tonight I had to deal with a report of one of my girls being sexually assaulted by a football player. It’s just a lot to accept.
When we reported it to my boss she mentioned filing a police report and I knew my resident didn’t feel comfortable with that at all. My RLC mentioned filing it incase this happened to someone else and I knew that was beating my resident up. She was starting to feel guilty about it. I just looked at her and said “You’re actions won’t determine what this guy does in the future. So don’t feel like you have to do anything to prevent something else bad from happening. He’s going to do what ever he’s going to do regardless of what you decide in this situation. That’s so not on you.” and now that I look back on that I’m so happy that I stood up for her. I just want to say “hey you- I’m on your side no matter what.”
I feel so passionately about this it’s overwhelming.
I’m off to bed. talking about my residents is so emotionally exhausting. Writing this stuff on tumblr made me start writing my weekly log to my RLC and it’s always challenging.
I really care about my residents and I don’t want to give away too much about them so I feel like every time I have to write a log I want to get it right because I don’t want to leave anything potentially important out of the log but I also don’t want to write out everything personal they tell me.
Also for some strange reason I feel really overwhelmingly gay this evening. I think maybe it has to do with the fact that some of my residents know I’m not straight.. it’s different than being closeted for the most part. Being gay has become something I know about myself but I keep to myself. I used to be out… and I feel like maybe I used to feel more gay too.. So I’m not sure if this new strange feeling of being outwardly gay somehow like having a gay self expression.. is related to the fact that people on the outside know. maybe.
2 of my residents now know I’m not straight. Madison and Nisha. Coincidentally two of my favourite residents.
It’s so weird. To be kind of out to them.
Here’s the thing. Madison is great. She’s hilarious. She’s so cool. Her preference is women. She’s dating a boy but they have an agreement that she can experiment with girls. Nisha is newly in a relationship with a boy from frosh. She never identified as bisexual until Madison was like ‘okay is anyone not straight here!?’ And she was like ‘….I guess that’s me.’
In the pride club they introduced me to this first year a-freaking-dorable lesbian as ‘she’s straight’.
I was like ‘….’ Just let that go. But then Madie was like ‘wait are you straight’. I tried to make a joke out if it to dodge the question but then I told them the truth- that I’m not straight. They asked for more info but I was uncomfortable and dismissed if saying we could talk about it later. Madie was soooo excited! They’re lesbian friend was like ‘I love meeting older gay people because its like ‘you’ve been through this before.’ I was just like ‘well… I’m not that old..’ But I guess I am to her at 17 years old.
I feel very maternal towards my residents but sometimes it’s tempting to consider something different. They seem so young yet it’s actually only 2 years difference.
Madison smells so good. I walked into my room and I was like ‘uhhhhh Madie!’ Because she had been laying on my bed earlier and her scent lingered.
Then with Nisha it’s like I’m not attracted to or interested in her but I can feel her thinking and considering. It’s so weird. Last week we went on a fairytale like night walk in the forest and on the way home we held hands. It was really cute. And it felt so appropriate then. But now that I look back on it and I know that she’s curious and now she knows that I know and she also knows I’m not straight. It’s just this thing that feels like it shouldn’t have happened.
So not blameless. Even though I had the best intention.
Madison is tricky though. I have so much respect for her relationship with her boyfriend and I don’t think I could even compete. This doesn’t usually happen.
I feel kind if weird about everything that’s going through my mind. Even the consideration is weird ing me out. And I knew this about madie before…
More of the truth is that I really like Shir. Still. I still want to be with her. And in ways I’m ready to move on but I have nothing to move on to. I want a relationship and she’s great.
That’s all for now.